I went through a period of depression this year, but for very different reasons from my quarter-life crisis 2 years ago.
The depression came from “chasing big things”.
While switching career into tech last year brought me new connections, new opportunities, new challenges, it also put me on another hamster wheel of anxiety and burnout.
I saw many millennials in this industry living the “dream life” I never dared to imagine for myself before: running startups, becoming millionaires, building kick-ass products, solving important problems, joining unicorns, founding DAOs, traveling the world, living the nomad life, making podcasts, creating high quality content, building amazing communities etc.
But instead of being inspired by all those possibilities, I got overwhelmed and jaded. Subconsciously, I started feeling insecure, imposter — sometimes even ashamed — of my “boring and unaccomplished” career & life. In the meantime, I felt quite disconnected from those visions of “dream life”. I didn’t know if I “should” pursue them or if I even want to; I constantly felt like I was ignorant and behind — yet I couldn’t even decide what to prioritize catching up on. There is just so much information, so many updates, so much learning, so many everything, every single day, all the time.
“I should be grateful”, I know, especially considering how privileged I already am. “I should just be grateful and focus on living the life I want.”
But what is really the life that I want?
I thought I knew it before. But in the past few months, I started feeling lost again.
What I do know, is that a part of me don’t really want to trade off some of the smaller things I already love today to chase the illusionary big things that haven’t even happened yet. Small things like:
- Reading a good book of wisdom in the couch, wrapped in a cozy blanket, with my favorite aroma diffuser scent and Spotify playlist in the background, a nice cup of coffee in my hand, and my cat purring beside me — quality time with self
- Taking a walk with my mom in the forest on a “hidden gem” hiking trail we recently discovered — quality time with family
- Resolving a blocker at work or building something new by using my scrappy creative problem-solving skills — meaningful work with good mix of creativity and impact
- Landing more laughs in my latest comedy show than my previous shows, and hearing from audience members who did not previously know me how much they loved my performance — honing my craft & bringing joy to others via comedy
In fact, just when I jot these down, I have a smile on my face, because I realize that I do LOVE the current iteration of my life, despite some flaws I don’t like. I love and appreciate who I surround myself with, my current job, the standup comedy shows I get to do, and every little beautiful small moment worth appreciating etc. No matter how “boring” it might be to those living the “bigger dreams”. (Why does it even matter how it looks to those people?!!). I still want to cultivate these little daily joys by nourishing myself and my connections with people I love, and/or doing the small things I love, despite how others perceive it (which is out of my control anyways).
I want to live an intentional life and do stuff that align with my “why”s and values, not for the purpose of impressing others. Without clearly understanding my “why”s, I would rather take it slow in this personal development journey — even when my peers are running and racing to change the world.
Because just like product development or standup comedy, life is also an iterative process. Perfection does not exist. But I can always create the minimal viable product (MVP) for each stage of my life by prioritizing what matters for that stage, with the needs of myself and my loved ones in mind. And if anything becomes ineffective, I can always reflect and re-iterate again.
I don’t really know where I will be 1 year or even 3 months from now. But I do know I’m the owner and biggest stakeholder of my life (lol ew, PM jargon). I get to decide what the priorities are. Therefore I won’t let anyone else dictate what I should/should not do. I trust my intuition, and I will go for bigger things when the time comes — with clear intentions.
